Things That Have Helped Me Move On Number 8

So this is quite deep, especially towards the end.

OK, so recently a few people have said that I should bring this blog up to date – friends, people at work, and a couple of people who have commented on previous posts. So here we go. An update on where my life is in the here and now, because that is where I live it. A psychologist will tell you that core characteristics of being a fully functioning person are accepting other people as you find them and living your life in the here and now. But more on that later.

I need to get this next bit out of the way...... I am an ex-heroin user who has currently been clean for 5773 days.

There, that is said now.

To spare you finding a calculator, 5773 days is about a month short of 16 years. You might want to go back now and read Just the Ticket again. I know I have today. It was the first thing that I ever wrote when I was only 145 days clean. The first product of a messed up mind. It’s about how when I’d been clean for 5 months I was really struggling with it and I met a guy who had been clean for 5 years and I just had so much respect for him. I had never in my time using heroin met anyone who had ever stopped for that long. I will call meeting him Things That Have Helped Me Move On Number 1.

So I have been clean for nearly 16 years. Try and imagine how I feel about that. Go on, try. Nope, you can’t. This buzz that I get when I think about my ticket.....well, it just keeps getting stronger.

OK, this may sound a bit crazy but when I think about staying clean as a physical thing that I have to keep in my hand, a ticket, it kind of makes it easier. Like it's somewhere physical to channel my effort. Let’s call that Things That Have Helped Me Move On Number 2.

To give you an update on the guy in Just the Ticket, I met him again a few years later, just to show him I still had my ticket. Unfortunately, he’d lost his.

OK, somebody ask me how I know the number of days? You know I’m going to tell you anyway. First, I am going to tell you a little story.

Back when I was on the gear I had a friend who had a friend who was in jail coming off smack. He told me that his friend found it helped him to count the number of days since he’d last used by marking off the days on the wall of his cell.

A few years after I heard that story, I found the strength and motivation to make change in my life. I moved to Newcastle and went cold turkey. At first I stopped on a mate’s sofa, then I was on the streets for a while, then I finally got a flat. I think I was about 5 months clean at that time but believe me it was a real struggle. It’s easy to think that once you get off it but...anyway I’ll come back to that in a minute.

To help me to deal with my struggles, I recalled the conversation that I had with my friend about his friend in jail. I decided that I needed to count the days. So I stuck a piece of A4 to the wall of my flat and I marked off the days one at a time. At the end of each day I would make a new mark and I would give myself a little pat on the back. I’m calling this Things That Have Helped Me Move On Number 3.

After 1000 days I stopped counting. The fact that I did that shows me that I must have moved on. I don’t need to count days anymore. Now I count in years.

About 8 years ago I met my friend’s friend for the first time, the one who was in jail. When I told him how he’d helped a total stranger to stay clean, well let’s just say it was a moment.

Before I started writing this today I had to root out a box from the cupboard and open it. A box of memories, everything I have ever written, all the original manuscripts handwritten on A4. I didn’t have a laptop back then. Smackheads don’t have laptops for long, normally about 10 minutes. Ex-smackheads living on the streets of Newcastle can’t afford them. Gotta get your priorities right, if you can afford to buy a laptop, you really need to stop eating in the soup kitchen.

So everything I’ve written is currently strewn around my feet. I’ve read things today that I’d forgotten I’d wrote, things from so many years ago that I haven’t needed to read because it is processed now. You see, this is what I do. I write about my feelings and then I read it. Then I read it again and again. I analyse myself. I read about my feelings over and over until I understand them and process them and do not need to read them anymore. I will read this post more times than any of you. I will call my writing and reading Things That Have Helped Me Move On Number 4.

If you haven’t worked it out from that last paragraph, I am writing this for me, nobody else. Just bear that in mind if you don’t like it.

OK, now I shall move on to old and new friendships.

Anyone who knows me will know that I am a regular user of Facebook. I’ll hold my hands up and say I use it too much. I’m guilty of doing those pointless things like rants and pictures of my tea. Every Facebook faux pas you can think of except ‘liking and sharing’ – it achieves nothing. Oh, and bathroom selfies. Not big on those either.

So Facebook users of a certain age (i.e. my age) will probably know what I’m talking about here. Through the power of social networking you reconnect with people from your youth. You add them, you have a quick chat, and you say ‘we’ll go for a beer some time’ and then you never do. Well this year I decided to change all that. I am really glad that I did. I made a New Year’s Resolution to make an effort and go for a beer with all the people I keep meaning to go for a beer with. There are a few more still to go, but so far this year I have reunited with an old school friend and a kid on my street that I used to ride Grifters and build James Bond cars with. People who I have not seen for over 20 years. If you both happen to be reading this, I would like you both to know that the days out we had in Leeds earlier this year were amongst the best days of my year so far, and there have been many good days this year. I really hope we will do it again soon and that is from the heart. So I will call reuniting old friendships Things That Have Helped Me Move On Number 5.

If we are talking about friendships then I cannot forget to mention my best mate. He knows who he is. He is the boy who lived next door that my mum told me to keep away from. He led me astray – well the truth is we led each other astray – and much of my drug history has been spent with him. But he is also the one person that was there for me when nobody else was. I knocked on his door out of the blue 5773 days ago and asked him to help me. He did. I would not be here now if it wasn’t for that man so thank you. You are Thing That Has Helped Me Move On Number 6.

OK, so perhaps now I should draw to a close. So I will close with this. To give you a brief history, once upon a time I was a very confident boy. At 19 years of age I had the world at my feet. Now don’t laugh but here is a picture.....

OK, remember it was the late 80’s. I actually looked really cool. I was the most confident boy in the world (can’t you tell?) I had my own house and a good job, plus I was deeply in love (though not with the girl that took that picture, she was an absolute bitch!)

A lot happened in the few years after that photo was taken The drugs started and I ran up debt, I lost the job and most of all I lost the girl. I was heartbroken. That’s why I got into the heroin. I felt so lonely and insecure and I stopped caring about being alive. Throughout my heroin career every time I stuck the needle in my arm I wanted it to be the one that killed me. I could see nothing for me in the future except more of the same.

So I think people understand that people who become addicted to drugs have lots of problems. But when you become addicted to smack you only have one problem and that is the smack itself. Nothing else matters, with smack life is easy. After some time you forget that you ever had any problems in the first place and you think that if you take the smack away then everything will be alright.

That is a million miles from the truth.

You take smack away and suddenly all those problems come back again. I have done my best to find other ways to deal with those problems in the last 5773 days but it is hard. I have tried to detail some of those ways in this article. But the truth is I have never really rediscovered the confidence that I once had when I was 19.

That is until now.....

Anyone who knows me will have seen a recent change in my mood. Not long ago I was a grumpy old man who didn’t care about himself much and never smiled. But now I am back to being that confident boy that I once was. I am always smiling and happy, I am taking more care of myself. People think it is a new me. The truth is it is an old me. A person that believes that he may have a future .

I cannot take all the credit for this. I have had motivation from another person. Another person has helped me to finally discover the old me. But I have to respect that persons wishes and say very little. I will just call her Things That Have Helped Me Move On Number 7.

So I am now at a time in my life where I am close to being a fully functioning person. I may have a long way to go but I am closer now than ever. I try to accept people as I find them and try to understand them. I always look for the positives in people, I may not accept their behaviour but I try to accept the person behind it. I do not judge people on what they have done in their past because I would not like to be judged on my past behaviour. I have done terrible things in my life and I have hurt people. But now I live my life in the here and now and I do not look back. There are still some things missing but I now feel more than ever that one day I can have them.

I can't actually remember a time in my life when I have felt as happy as I do right now.

And one thing is for sure, I honestly believe that I will never ever choose to take smack. I am better than that.